Not One Regret.

I have no regrets,

Not one.

I told you everyday how much I love you,

And you did the same.

We saw the world,

And made love way too often,

But we created the most perfect kids.

Birthdays and holidays spent with love.

Sunday mornings with breakfast in bed.

You are the love of my life,

You made my life possible.

So my darling,

Please save a spot next to you,

In whatever paradise you’re in;

As we are meant to be.

 

 

~picture unknown~

Drunk

I use to feel drunk;

All the time.

I use to walk around lost,

Sick to my stomach.

My eyes lifeless,

My heart cold.

Until I stumbled into a room,

Full of life,

Full of love.

It was warm and safe.

As I became sober,

It was just you showing me the way home.

 

 

~picture unknown~

Needed.

You said you were sorry.

And of course I believed you.

Because I’m the fool that trusted a man that can’t stay in a committed relationship.

I thought I could be the one to change you.

Because, obviously I thought I was more important than the way you treated me.

It’s amazing how I didn’t see the signs that you were practically done with me.

Like, the movie tickets in your pants the night you had to work late.

Or the money missing from the bank account

The same week went to the concert.

Without me.

I like that band too, ya know.

But I stayed at home and waited up for you.

I cooked dinner,

Did your laundry.

The only thing I didn’t do was bathe you;

Because I thought you could handle that.

But you couldn’t handle keeping your dick in your pants.

So I guess I was a fool for taking care of you,

But you’re the bigger fool for letting the only person that took care of you,

Walk out of your life.

I can say I finally realized,

I didn’t need you,

You needed me

 

Ella Rose 12/20/16

Goodbye To My Perfect Man.

I can still feel your kiss on my lips;

The way your hands dragged across my bare skin.

I can still feel your panting breath on my shoulder;

With your whines and moans in my ear.

But as I wake from a comfortable sleep,

I can see a photo come to focus.

A photo of a blonde, a beautiful blonde.

Wrapped up in your arms while the ocean waves crash at your feet.

As you move in your sleep,

I could feel your cold ring rub against my belly.

I will always remember the way you moved my hair out of my eyes;

And the way you held my hand, as if it was fragile as glass.

The way my name rolled off your tongue,

Always with a smirk.

But as the sun pushes through the curtains,

And as the birds sing their morning song,

I will be just a memory to you;

Just like how perfect last night was to me.

Ella Rose 12/20/16

~picture unknown~

The Falling Walls

I’ve spent most of my life keeping others at a far distance.

Far enough not to cause damage.

Damage on them;

Or most importantly, myself.

I learned early in life that the more my heart becomes damaged,

The colder I get. 

But somehow you’ve wormed your way into my thoughts.

No matter what I do all I think of is you.

How your hand would feel in mine;

The way we’d look tangled in your clean cotton bedsheets.

What it would feel like to wake up every morning next to you.

How safe would really feel like.

So please,

As my walls come down around my heart, 

Don’t break it,

Because there isn’t much left. 

~picture unknown ~

I’m Cranberry Juice

You smacked my head against our kitchen floor. My new wooden floors that I worked fifteen hours of overtime to get.

With blurry vision and a throbbing head, I heard your work boots move towards the back door leaving me paralyzed. 

I could feel our son’s hands on my arm, screaming for me to wake up. 

I could hear him mumbling, “there’s cranberry juice coming out your head.” 

Cranberry juice. 

A red, sticky substance that stains clothes, furniture,  And wooden floors. 

You’ve caused so much pain in my life; Traumatized me, our son.

I don’t think he’ll be drinking cranberry juice anymore. 

But don’t worry, 

I just bought a new roll of Bounty Paper Towels, And I’ll clean this mess up too, Just like always. 

-Ella Rose 11/18

~photo unknown ~

Cigarettes

How can this cigarette be better than you?The way the toxicants caressing my throat,

Down into my lungs; feels better than your rough, calloused hands gripping my neck as I gasp for air.

The lit tip is pretty when it burns in the dark; being my only source of light, seeing the determination shine in your eyes. 

The thing is, this cigarette will kill me slowly; allowing me to enjoy my short life.

But you, you will kill me in seconds, with fear in my eyes, wishing that I never allowed you to touch me in the first place.

As I lay there, the last burnt ashes fall from my dying cigarette. 
-Ella Rose 11/18/16

~Photo unknown~

My Own Little World

I see you kiss her; kiss her differently then you kiss me.

You have a gentle hold on her face; if you squeeze her too hard she’ll shatter into a million pieces. 

I stand behind the cold stonewall, clutching my umbrella. 

My only only protection. 

I see you’re a different person around her; free, free to be yourself.

Because she knows you better, right? Better then I’ll ever know you.

You grab her hand tugging her closer, as your rings clink together; a small voice comes from the stroller she’s holding with the other hand, calling you daddy. 

I know in my own world you’re mine, but I stand there in reality, damp and cold. 

I realized you’ll never be mine, not in a million years.

So please don’t shatter her, whatever you do.

I don’t think you could handle two broken hearts on your plate. 

-Ella Rose 11/18/16

~photo unknown~

Losing You

My fear is you’ll stop loving me;

That one day you’ll walk out without a word,

Without a reason.

My body shakes with apathy;

Trembles with doubt,

That we will make it towards the end.

I’m afraid that I will be left with all this love in my heart for you.

My chest aching trying to love a motionless shadow;

A presents that doesn’t respond.

I fear that you’ve already stopped loving me;

With one foot out the door,

You’ll leave your painful bruise on my life.

And I can’t do anything , but wallow in loss.

 

 

Ella Rose 12/5/16

 

 

 

~picture unknown~

Not Dorthy

I don’t want to be happy;

To actually wake up with a smile on my face;

Or get out of bed willingly.

I don’t want to look forward to plans with friends,

Instead of staying in with Chinese food and a emotional movie on.

I don’t want to feel so in love with butterflies in my stomach,

And the sweaty palms.

I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night,

Wondering if you’re thinking of me too.

Because the moment that smiles sticks,

And my heart starts to flutter,

Reality will come,

Crushing me like a house stuck in a tornado,

Landing on the Wicked Witch of the East.

So stay far away from me,

And I’ll keep the ruby slippers locked up.

 

 

Ella Rose 11/29/16

 

 

~Picture Unknown~