Drunk

I use to feel drunk;

All the time.

I use to walk around lost,

Sick to my stomach.

My eyes lifeless,

My heart cold.

Until I stumbled into a room,

Full of life,

Full of love.

It was warm and safe.

As I became sober,

It was just you showing me the way home.

 

 

~picture unknown~

Needed.

You said you were sorry.

And of course I believed you.

Because I’m the fool that trusted a man that can’t stay in a committed relationship.

I thought I could be the one to change you.

Because, obviously I thought I was more important than the way you treated me.

It’s amazing how I didn’t see the signs that you were practically done with me.

Like, the movie tickets in your pants the night you had to work late.

Or the money missing from the bank account

The same week went to the concert.

Without me.

I like that band too, ya know.

But I stayed at home and waited up for you.

I cooked dinner,

Did your laundry.

The only thing I didn’t do was bathe you;

Because I thought you could handle that.

But you couldn’t handle keeping your dick in your pants.

So I guess I was a fool for taking care of you,

But you’re the bigger fool for letting the only person that took care of you,

Walk out of your life.

I can say I finally realized,

I didn’t need you,

You needed me

 

Ella Rose 12/20/16

Goodbye To My Perfect Man.

I can still feel your kiss on my lips;

The way your hands dragged across my bare skin.

I can still feel your panting breath on my shoulder;

With your whines and moans in my ear.

But as I wake from a comfortable sleep,

I can see a photo come to focus.

A photo of a blonde, a beautiful blonde.

Wrapped up in your arms while the ocean waves crash at your feet.

As you move in your sleep,

I could feel your cold ring rub against my belly.

I will always remember the way you moved my hair out of my eyes;

And the way you held my hand, as if it was fragile as glass.

The way my name rolled off your tongue,

Always with a smirk.

But as the sun pushes through the curtains,

And as the birds sing their morning song,

I will be just a memory to you;

Just like how perfect last night was to me.

Ella Rose 12/20/16

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Cigarettes

How can this cigarette be better than you?The way the toxicants caressing my throat,

Down into my lungs; feels better than your rough, calloused hands gripping my neck as I gasp for air.

The lit tip is pretty when it burns in the dark; being my only source of light, seeing the determination shine in your eyes. 

The thing is, this cigarette will kill me slowly; allowing me to enjoy my short life.

But you, you will kill me in seconds, with fear in my eyes, wishing that I never allowed you to touch me in the first place.

As I lay there, the last burnt ashes fall from my dying cigarette. 
-Ella Rose 11/18/16

~Photo unknown~

My Own Little World

I see you kiss her; kiss her differently then you kiss me.

You have a gentle hold on her face; if you squeeze her too hard she’ll shatter into a million pieces. 

I stand behind the cold stonewall, clutching my umbrella. 

My only only protection. 

I see you’re a different person around her; free, free to be yourself.

Because she knows you better, right? Better then I’ll ever know you.

You grab her hand tugging her closer, as your rings clink together; a small voice comes from the stroller she’s holding with the other hand, calling you daddy. 

I know in my own world you’re mine, but I stand there in reality, damp and cold. 

I realized you’ll never be mine, not in a million years.

So please don’t shatter her, whatever you do.

I don’t think you could handle two broken hearts on your plate. 

-Ella Rose 11/18/16

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Losing You

My fear is you’ll stop loving me;

That one day you’ll walk out without a word,

Without a reason.

My body shakes with apathy;

Trembles with doubt,

That we will make it towards the end.

I’m afraid that I will be left with all this love in my heart for you.

My chest aching trying to love a motionless shadow;

A presents that doesn’t respond.

I fear that you’ve already stopped loving me;

With one foot out the door,

You’ll leave your painful bruise on my life.

And I can’t do anything , but wallow in loss.

 

 

Ella Rose 12/5/16

 

 

 

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Not Dorthy

I don’t want to be happy;

To actually wake up with a smile on my face;

Or get out of bed willingly.

I don’t want to look forward to plans with friends,

Instead of staying in with Chinese food and a emotional movie on.

I don’t want to feel so in love with butterflies in my stomach,

And the sweaty palms.

I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night,

Wondering if you’re thinking of me too.

Because the moment that smiles sticks,

And my heart starts to flutter,

Reality will come,

Crushing me like a house stuck in a tornado,

Landing on the Wicked Witch of the East.

So stay far away from me,

And I’ll keep the ruby slippers locked up.

 

 

Ella Rose 11/29/16

 

 

~Picture Unknown~

Addiction

I use to walk this earth drunk;

Unbalanced, with double vision.

Looked at differently from bystanders,

Wondering why I cry silently to myself.

But as I turned the corner of the busy, city street,

There you were.

Standing there with open arms.

You took care of me;

You hid the wine,

And got me some Advil.

Held me while my withdraw got stronger.

I began to come alive,

The real me starting to bloom.

You saved me from myself;

Now my addiction to you is what I worry about.

 

 

Ella Rose 11/29/16

 

 

~ Picture unknown~

Yes Master

Anxiety is the Puppet Master,

And I’m the dummy hanging by the strings.

Waiting for the day my body can’t handle the painful panting and the booming of my heart in my chest.

Ordering coffee shouldn’t cause me to be short of breath;

Or waiting in line shouldn’t make me nervous.

I’m self-conscious of eating alone at lunch,

And crowds scare me to the point, I faint.

I’d rather have a tooth pulled without Novocaine than make friends.

I can’t reach the scissors,

And gnawing on the strong strings make my teeth hurt.

So, I’ll continue to allow the dark hands above me control my future.

But in the distance I can see where it’s leading me;

A space on the shelf where I’ll be forgotten, collecting dust.

Next to the others that are missing buttons and that are broken to pieces.

 

Ella Rose 11/28/

 

 

~Picture unknown~

My Almost Goodbye

I could hear her scream; 

Almost as high as a dog whistle.

I could see her clenching her chest as she fell to her knees.

Her husband following behind;

His face pale as he takes hold of the belt around the girl’s neck.

Laying her down easy on the wrinkled bed.

He yells for the frightened sisters to stay out as they call, voice laced with concern.

The wife calls the young girl’s name over and over.

Chanting for her to come back.

But she’s gone.

Watching the scene from above.

Wishing that one day they will understand why she had to leave.

So,

Mom, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I had to leave you with my father;

Especially when he’s on his business trips. 

And I’m sorry that I will miss our coffee trips and shopping dates.

And I’ll miss the girls graduation and weddings.

Dad, I’m sorry you have such a failure for a daughter.

But I hope to always be your little princess. 

I did try, really,

I gave it my all.

Ella Rose 11/22/16